Being a swim parent is hard.
Between shuttling kids to practices and traveling to meets where we spend three or more entire days on the pool deck, the sport demands a lot of us.
On top of all this, many parents, consciously or unconsciously, shoulder the burden of their swimmer’s mindset. As the meet approaches, we start wondering where our swimmer’s head is at. Do they seem excited? Confident? Nervous? What are they saying about taper?
During the meet, things can get even more intense. We watch our swimmer on the pool deck, trying to read their mood from afar and wondering whether we should text something encouraging or just leave them alone. If a swim does not go as planned, things can get even harder as we struggle to figure out what to say to help our swimmer without making things worse.
I recently surveyed swim parents and asked what was the most challenging aspect of championship meets for them. Several of the responses hit on exactly this point:
“Keeping my swimmer relaxed and positive”
“Keeping her morale up and her anxiety in check for the duration of the meet”
“Dealing with my swimmer’s moodiness”
Notice how many of these responses are about trying to manage something that ultimately belongs to the swimmer.
I know exactly how these parents feel because I used to be in the same boat.
During championship meets, I would be on edge all weekend—monitoring my daughter’s moods, trying to say the right things and generally feeling that I was somehow responsible for her mindset. It was exhausting.
It was also not effective.
What finally set me free was realizing that my daughter is the only one who can take responsibility for her mindset. My job as a parent is to support her. That distinction has changed everything for me.
The Turning Point
The turning point came at Winter Juniors during my daughter’s senior year. She had been chasing a WJRs cut for years and had finally made it. This was a big moment for her and her biggest national meet to date.
As my husband and I dropped her off in front of the pool on the first day, I thought about what I could say. What was the right thing to get her motivated, help her handle the pressure and do her best?
I decided in that moment that I was simply going to give her a hug and tell her I loved her. Every bone in my body was screaming that I should be saying more. But I held my tongue and let her go.
It went the same way for the rest of the meet. Every session, I gave her a hug and sent her on her way. She had what would be the best meet of her life up to that point.
The lesson wasn’t that my hug somehow gave her magical powers. It was that I didn’t need to do anything other than support her.
A few years later, she had a championship meet that did not go as planned. After a disappointing showing in the 400 IM final, my text to her was:
“I am so sorry. I know that wasn’t what you wanted. Let me know if you want to talk.”
I wasn’t trying to problem solve. I wasn’t trying to put a positive spin on the swim. I wasn’t pretending it wasn’t disappointing. I was simply letting her know she was supported.
What I Want Parents to Know
Every parent wants the best for their swimmer and wants to support them in every way they can. Otherwise, we probably wouldn’t be in this sport.
But here is the message I have for every swim parent:
You can support your swimmer’s mindset, but you cannot manage it for them.
So what is a parent’s job when it comes to their swimmer’s mindset?
It is NOT to:
keep them calm
keep them positive
manage their anxiety
protect their confidence
make sure they have the right attitude
This doesn’t mean you can’t help when your swimmer is struggling. It means you don’t have to take responsibility for making sure they feel a certain way.
What parents can do is:
provide support
create space
listen
let their swimmer experience their own emotions
allow them to develop their own tools
The swimmer leads. You support.
So What Does That Actually Look Like?
The goal is for swimmers to learn how to manage their own mindset while knowing they can ask for support when they need it.
That means learning and experimenting with different strategies and approaches and figuring out what works for them. The parent’s job is to support that process without taking it over.
Parents can help by sharing resources —books, articles, interviews with top swimmers, or programs like the Swim Mindset Collective - and then giving the swimmer space to see what resonates.
During a meet, the parent’s role shifts even more toward supporting rather than directing. Let the swimmer lead, but help them learn from their experience.
After a meet, for example, instead of immediately analyzing what went wrong or telling them what they should do differently, you might ask:
“What did you learn?”
“What worked for you?”
“Is there anything you’d want to try differently next time?”
Regardless of the outcome, every meet gives a swimmer an opportunity to learn something they can use the next time they race.
A championship meet can be an emotional roller coaster for a swimmer, but it can be one for the parent too. We care so much that it is easy to start believing that if we can manage their nerves, keep the mood positive and say exactly the right thing, we can somehow help control the outcome.
We can’t.
Our swimmers have to learn how to manage their own mindset. They have to experience the pressure, the uncertainty, the great swims, the bad swims and everything in between. We can support them through all of it without taking responsibility for how they feel or how they perform.
Sometimes the most helpful thing we can do is not do more.
It’s giving them the space to do it themselves.